If you’re getting married for a second time, we suggest keeping two general rules in mind during your planning process.
First, be considerate of others as you announce and plan your wedding.
Second, there are no other rules. You don’t have to deny yourself the wedding you want or consider any traditions off-limits simply because you’ve been married in the past.
“If you're under the impression that a second wedding should be tiny, that you can't have a wedding shower, that you can't wear white, or that you shouldn't have a bridal party, think again,” Alyssa Brown wrote for Martha Stewart magazine. “It may be your second, but it's still your wedding. These etiquette rules no longer have much standing, and your guests certainly won't be thinking about them when they see how happy you are on your wedding day.”
We agree and have put together some tips and guidelines to help you and your spouse-to-be create the wedding you both want.
1. Consider your children’s feelings. Whether they’re little ones or full-grown, they should be the first to learn you’re planning to re-marry. Do as much as you can to involve them in your planning and the wedding itself. If you’re planning to change your last name after marriage, include that in your discussion.
2. After talking with your children, share your news with your parents, immediate family, and friends. Your former spouse probably will appreciate receiving the news from you as well.
3. Think carefully before inviting former spouses or their family members. Yes, sharing the news of your engagement is a thoughtful step, but it’s not necessarily a good idea to invite your ex-husband or former mother-in-law to the wedding. Even if you’re on friendly terms with them, their presence can create tension and discomfort no one needs.
“Generally my advice would be no unless situations are such that you are still very friendly and close with your former spouse and/or his or her family members,” wedding planner Amy Nichols told Brides magazine. “In the event that your second marriage is after the death of your previous spouse, I think inviting your deceased spouse’s family is a very nice gesture. Just know that it might be a hard situation for them and that they may not attend.”
4. Do what it takes to keep you and your partner on the same page. Discuss everything: goals, budget, priorities, guests—you name it. It could be that you have very different ideas about the scope of your celebration. Try to identify what’s most important to both of you and work out a compromise.
5. You can have a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties. Maybe these are experiences you missed out on the first time around, you want new housewares to kick off your new life, or these pre-wedding events are something you’ve been looking forward to. A wedding after-party is great, too. If you want to enjoy these events, plan them.
6. You can have a religious ceremony—probably. Some religions object to having a religious ceremony when you’re re-marrying. Talk with your house of worship or clergy about what you’re hoping to do.
7. Find fitting roles for your children. You don’t have to limit your children’s involvement to traditional roles like flower girl or ring bearer. Your children can walk you down the aisle, be part of the wedding party, present a reading...anything that you and your children feel comfortable with. Along the same lines, don’t saddle your children with roles they don’t want. Your wedding should be a positive experience for them, too.
8. A wedding registry is perfectly acceptable. Some worry that registering for gifts is a bit tacky when you’re re-marrying, but that’s just not true. Your loved ones will still want to give you gifts, and a registry will be helpful to them. Create a registry for the items you want, or set up a honeymoon fund.
9. Size doesn’t matter. When it comes to your wedding, go as big or as little as you’d like. If you want to keep your celebration simple and small or hold a reception after a private ceremony, that’s perfectly OK, but an all-out wedding bash with gorgeous decor is your prerogative, too.
10. Your invitation wording is up to you. It may feel strange to use the last name associated with your ex-spouse, but that also may be the name most people know you by. In the end, go with the name you feel comfortable with.
11. Select a dress that you love. Look for a dress that matches the venue you’ll be married in, the season, and the overall environment you’re going for. Something that flatters you.
Want a white dress? Go for it! You also can choose a pastel, neutral shades, metallics, multi-color patterns, or floral prints. Again, the goal here is to make choices that bring you happiness.
12. Honor late loved ones. If you or your partner want to celebrate the memory of a late spouse—and you both feel comfortable with it—you can find ways to honor them. Possible ideas include reading a favorite poem or Bible verse, displaying photos, or asking someone close to you to say a few words in your late loved one’s honor.
13. Make the day uniquely yours. If you and your spouse feel comfortable with it, write personalized vows that celebrate your commitment and the new life you’ll be building together.
Maybe you’d like a theme: Pick something meaningful to both of you, maybe a shared interest, something you aspire to do together, or something that ties in with a meaningful memory like the movie you watched on your first date.
14. Set this wedding apart from the last one. Don’t be afraid to be untraditional. Try a brunch wedding. Skip the dancing. Select a gorgeous venue that makes you feel special. Or…go all out with over-the-top entertainment. Create memories you and your guests will treasure.
Ultimately, we recommend planning with the goal of creating an unforgettable event, no matter how many times you’ve been married up to now.
You are embarking on a new journey with the one you love. Celebrate in a way that brings you both joy.